falling in love with a widowed woman

My life and I listened to all the words and I should hav known better by certain actions and little progress. Youve told him all this? Little things like that that compound the message over time that your dads grief cushion and nothing more. Rings jewelry cards letters. But then he continued to pursue me. We have been doing this long distance thing our whole relationship. Its been about another year and a half since we told eachother how we felt, Ive gone home twice to visit since then and both times he made an excuse that he could not get together with me.We dont talk on the phone anymore. A widow or widower's reactions to the dating process don't always follow the same patterns as those of people who are divorced or have never married. When I met this man, he told me I had a new family. I thought they use to mean so much but with his actions I feel like I actually get more from them than the words and he is so special that I am willing to be patient. Now here the past few months i have been really thinking about him not wanting to marry again, i know he feels that is LW was the only woman he wants to see as Wife and even told my daughter that he just did not have the feeling he should in order to want to marry me, he said they just were not there this has really bothered me a great deal.. i have tried to no avail to deal with this issue but i feel more and more that i am not good enough to be his wife, that his heart is so entwined with his love for her he has shut off any possibility . You don't want to negotiate for first place, says Denise Medany, 62, author of One Heart Too Many: Facing the Challenges of Loving a Widower, who is also a widow and engaged to a widower. Thanks again Ann! We hit it off really fast, she had only been gone a month when he called me. However, these types of conversations sometimes lead to the end of relationships/friendships. The wid claimed he could not care less.). They also fall in love and make plans for the future. So, try to consider things more objectively. I am writing this as I am very confused I am dating and have now purchased a home with a widowed Man. Im still in a current relationshipthat I am reluctant to leave because its a sure thing. He is the only one who can help resolve this anyway and the more people involved the more drama. I had been a divorced mother of 2 children for about 13 years before I met Bob. It makes it hard later on when you decide that you want to take your life in a different direction or you want to date because you havent taken charge in so long that those around you will be annoyed with you when you do (in-laws, friends, children). Have given up on men for a while & going to concentrate on me for a while, see how that goes. its one day at a time and one step at a time but we both know our journey is on the same path. I expect we communicate your feelings and mine coming together when we have something pop up. Its something I still do when I am trying to decide about things. Im confused. The important thing now is again in my opinion you. If there are adult step-children doubly beware. Thanks for any insight. Please enable Javascript in your browser and try And if he isnt, its an opportunity for you to decide if he is really the person you thought he was and if you want to continue seeing him. If you are set on finding someone identical to your spouse who has passed, this means you arent ready to date yet. Thats what dating is about really, right? I lost my fiance who killed himself..but i NEVER EVER BRING HIM UP, HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW OF HIS EXISTENCE. Perhaps you could put some of the topics off-limits to them thanks but I can handle this and stick to only have discussions about things like this with your boyfriend. You can continue to feel positive about your former spouse, even when finding love after being widowed. And will he expect you to be the one who puts needs and feelings aside every time the road gets bumpy? I cant remember what it felt like. We even just started dating. Im not going to lie, I still have pics and cards from my kids father, pics of my ex husband. I was divorced 2 years ago from a 32 year marriage but my marriage was over long before, so some of my grieving was done, but I was left in an ugly way, so I do have some trust issues and more healing to do myself. There isnt much you can do but simply remember that you are the only person you have any control over. when he gets back from vacation and he still didnt communicate with me,, i guess thats really over for us.. coz he should be the one to commnicate with me first coz of what he did to me, as much i wanted to communicate with him. Once your divorce is final, what are you expectations for this relationship? I would visit his home and was building a genuine bond with his 3 hurting children. Its two moths later now and the picture remains his profile pic. Youll know. She needs to wake up, do her own work. There may be some uncertainties when defining the new relationship and deciding upon where it will go long term. I have seen the confusion in their eyes. I would ask her are you sure youre ready for a relationship. He says he married too soon because he didnt want to be alone. Life, events and time have a way of moving us forward and eventually making the things that are vexing us now seem trivial in hindsight. His kids, especially his older daughter were really close to her mother. Not Sure If Youre Ready to Date Again? However, I am still trying to give us more time and let our feelings grow. Thats kinda playing the widow card. Thats what youd do in a relationship with a guy who wasnt widowed, right? Not so much. The past does not need to be forgotten but its not healthy and a new relationship will not progress if the past is all around. Thank you, I know I have messed up but you live and learn and as you say, if there is no committment then I am my own main concern. give them to? You deal with it be reminding yourself that his grief is no reflection of how he feels about you or your relationship. Having been married before, some of your husbands preferences for how things should be done are things he adopted from his LW or they agreed upon. I wouldnt be too sure of that. But it's important to respect his past and the connection his adult children, family and friends still have to her as well. You have to both want this relationship. Maybe he is worried too. Ha!!!! Its disconcerting but mostly it fades over time. His daughters calling all the shots, and has done ever since she arrived last summer. Sorry to hear that counseling didnt work out. Ironically I have no children of my own, my partner is not all that much older than me, and the slut likely would have got a BETTER deal, in the end by being nice to me. Stay strong and be true to your self. Younger one turns 16, starts crying that she wanted a car too. Someone in good health could expect another 30 years perhaps, but you are correct that you will not be getting the prime years. I asked about her children, she replied I have three grown children each with their own children now. And Im happy to hear silly stories he tells me, and happy to see he is a very loving man. Non existent boundaries, in fact. A man who truly wants to be with a woman can and will move mountains to make that happen. He has two adult daughters. They mean it. Do what feels right to you. BUT BOY HE SURE BROUGHT HER UP HERE AND THE,,t be about our relationship. So, youre normal. The man is dead, but Shelly is still enabling the dysfunction surrounding him in terms of his parents and his friend. How could we be intimate in that bedroom.. OK feelings arent black and white but Ann, your words ring loud and true. You both need to be able to express your feelings, ask for what you need and not be afraid that doing so will be a deal breaker. Why is she still in contact with this man? Because there have been questions about this here recently, my husband and I have discussed this (again and bearing in mind weve been married over eight years now) and he still thinks its odd for me to have been unsettled by photos (and there were few). Its no different from the divorced guy whose wife screwed him over or the never married guy whos afraid of commitment because of that girl who dumped him once a while ago. Dating took us to another level.. We have told each other we love you.I have met his whole family, told them how happy we r and he is since his wifes passing..we have talked marriage and we always said I love you..this passed weak he just cut me off..told me he did not love me the way I loved him.. His family tells me give him time he will come around. He needs kindness and a listening ear. I guess you are right I love him and he is still in love with his wife. Not sure if he wants me to stick around or not, I doubt it think he sees me as too needy not light enough and wanting commitment that he cant offer me at this point if ever. Hi Ann, People move on at different speeds and for some, moving on does not mean a relationship that leads to anything more than just companionship. My husband was four months out. So sis is building a new house. And bring with them unique issues. You might be that reason and you might not be. Not an identity I am content with. I AM happy and I know he is too, and what ever is to be will be. We were very open about our personal issues at that time I also told him a lot about myself and my current problems. Maybe at Xmas he will present her with a ring, then she will , move out, and leave her father right in the lurch, House empty over the winter, us paying for all the bills and upkeep. In my opinion, this would involve having honest conversations with both your boyfriend and you widower friend. In that respect Im glad were still going to be friends & talk & hang out once in a while but thats not going to stop me from having my own fun The day I move out will be very hard on me & him Im sure but youre right I need to focus on me & I am hoping I can do that..eventually . you are such a big help for us people who has a heart trouble. Am I waiting for something that might never arrive? Its no trick to love someone and stay together when things are going as you want them to. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? He is very loving and I dont question his love for me. Whatever. This means risking and perhaps he isnt worth that risk. What a joke! How do I tell him without hurting him? Her sulkiness was attributed on those occasions to getting over flu or this or that. Taking each day for itself and being ready to accept what may or may not come next is probably a good strategy. It doesnt give him the right to treat you dismissively. If you would not be the secret girlfriend of a non-widower, you shouldnt be the secret girlfriend of a widower. I too feel like im a good person, good mother, etc, i just dont think I will ever live up to what she was, and I dont want too, Im my own person, but when you hear it from him telling you that, it kind of hurts. dear ann, do you still write and post here.. i have a question more like situation i need some advice for. She needs to grow a backbone and make sure this does not happen again. You could go to your boyfriend and admit that the status quo isnt working for you and explain why and see what he says. The younger one always wants what the older one gets, but for nothing. Would parting be better than status quo? The thing you always have to ask yourself and be honest when answering is if nothing changes or only changes a little or the change involves a LOT of work, will I be okay with that?. I expect that if we do this, we do this all the way until old age and god calls my number. My own father was not particularly verbal, so I didnt grow up with a shower of I love yous but both my late husband and my current husband have been different stories. Do what makes you happy and if that is asking about the future even if the future is still a ways off then do. He is my friend I love him dearly; but I love myself also and know that I am ultimately responsible for myself and my happiness. She wanted the child to open that gift up while she was the sole center of the childs attention. Youre a grown woman and this is your life. We moved in together after 3 months of dating, yesterday we sat down & had a heart to heart talk. Not often he will say something that just emotionally smacks me down. But the . He has had ALOT of firsts with me, and told me that he didnt know any better because he thought that the way his marriage played out over the years was the way married life was supposed to be.in the bedroom, and beyond, so he is somewhat niaeve about things. He tells me there is no-one else for me and I believe him. The only way to tell him is just straight forward and honest. If this were me, Id let it go and if he were to show up at some point in the future, I d be very, very careful before I allowed him to close again. We talk about the things we want and how we feel. The problem is where the widower is in their grieving and if they are truly ready to date or be in a relationship with another person. The one who needs to take the stand is your fiancee. He replied: If I did not feel anything for you I would not be with you for such a long time. If you want to tell him you love him, do but its probably not a requirement for a talk about maybe what we have is worth thinking about moving to another level?. Communication is key. Just be sure not to nag, get angry, cry, make demands or complain about being hurt. Thank you for this article. He seemingly just expected me to step into his wifes shoes, within his community. I expect you to live one life with me not two. Is this normal? Grief has its bumpy moments but he choose to be in a relationship with you and he has obligations there as well. It is creepy that your fiancee is a social worker, yet is allowing this emotional abuse of her own children from the grandparents and the best friend and taking no stand to put an end to it. Finding Love in Assisted Living. the worst is being brough out in me has been for the las four months or so.. if i am going to move on with anything in my life i need to at least get that fixed for me. . But I will say it does send me the message he is not emotionally ready to have a new relationship and make that relationship a symbol of the new life he has now. His weak father is enabling him. I wasnt ready for that in the beginning because I was in a good marriage for a long time and dont have the same perspective as he, a man who is divorced and was in several relationships with divorced women. One thing, you mention that he says he is still in love with his wife and wants to get her out of his system before moving on. I hope things work out for you, but I think you might have to take some steps to jumpstart this if you want that to happen. Are you happy? Dating a widower who told her he loved her, talked about marriage, included in all aspects of his life and then did an about face. Dating and marrying someone who hasnt been widowed, as you and your boyfriend have, is a very different ballgame. This younger girl mid twenties is competent, well qualified, and good at her job. He never intended to ever be able to love someone this much again and I believe he does mean it when he says He never wants me out of his life and loves me with all his heart. Does he miss her? He speaks openly about her when we have conversations(not enough to freak me out or make me feel uncomfortable) and I really appreciate that aspect because he seems to let me in easily and hes comfortable enough with me to talk about her. I just dont know how to make sense of all of it. My love. He says he loves me, I make him happy and wants me in his life, but sometimes the things he does or says say different. "If you do encounter a difficult time from his friends and family, have patience hopefully they will come around," Annie says. In a relationship there should be mutual establishment of love and commitment. Youve been interacting with his 5 year old, they are not exactly the best secret keepers. (And yes, widowed scream and holler about this replacement theory thing but only b/c it is true and its a truth which packs a lot of sting.). Everything her sister has ever had she always wants. I think he is worth the wait. We cant control anything but our own actions and if we know what we need/want to do and stick to it most everything else falls into place. My boyfriend & I are parting as dear, dear friends. Weirdly, the very place Id thought of nowhere obvious so I was amazed. Mostly because there are a lot of issues to sort through. When it is there you know it. He is a grown man. I just stumbled across your blog while I was searching for an answer to my question. A perennial flower no longer will bloom. He says its nothing to do with her in any way but maybe it is? When I met him, she had been dead just 4 months. Relationships change over time. Yet thats what sometimes happens with widowed people. But empathy has its limits. And there are kids. Far more than the average layman would be permitted. I think the basis for the conversation you might want to think about having with him is in what you just wrote. All fairly normal. 50 is not all that old. The second issue is that this is a new marriage between two new to each other people and not a re-creation of his previous marriage. I feel an inner sanctum he lives in with his wife will always be off limits to me and the borders will reveal themselves during the process of the relationship. She is also sabotaging the happiness of her children, which is tragic. A grieving man is fragile. I am sorry this relationship is working out. However, we became really close friends. In theory, you guys should be able to sit down, discuss where you both are at and come up with a mutually agreeable plan for moving towards what you both want. I dont know how long youve been friends, but I will say that if you are at the point of asking questions about whether this is right for you and should you give this more time its time you had a serious chat with him about the relationship. I know its difficult to not wonder and compare but my advice is stop doing that. He told me the minute I move in and we are engaged that everything comes down and put away. I think that you should expect to be treated well, respectfully and lovingly by someone who claims to love you. My BF swept me off my feet, wining, dining, traveling, and I am so attracted to him, both intellectually and physically. Lately, I wish there was an easy way to determine if my harvest is gone. Its a good starting point, imo, if really are dissatisfied with status quo but arent sure about how to proceed or are worried about shaking it up a bit. He came to my hometown for a week, introduced me to his sister that very night we got home and I would be sitting in my computer room and look out my window in the morning and there he would be, and it made my heart melt, but since he has been away he has really been grieving bad, no sexting, no deep conversations and he has been sleeping on the beach my her bench for about 2 weeks now, is this normal? One of the things I tell widowed folks is that you have to be able to be a real partner in a relationship or dont get into one. I appreciate your comment. It's rarely as scary as my active imagination predicts it to be. And when those moments come up, where he says he misses her, tell him how that makes you feel. What Ive described happens more than it should but certainly not all the time. It has been 3 years since my heart was shattered by my husbands tragic death. For two years we did not have an easy time, he was injured at work soon after we met, I gave him all the support I could through a lot of medical issues that stemmed from this. Because basically, I agree with you that someone who is doing the things he is, and allowing others in his life to pull stunts too, is not ready to date. I feel I should back up. Pictures. (I choke, I really do.) Im sorry. There was always an element of jealousy and regret in his chats. I conduct myself and handle us as an exclusive relationship and I believe he does too(his family knows about us and he introduced himself to my kids recently, which was HUGE for me, and my daughter really likes him. Dont be a secret. Ive been up all night over this. I have never loved a man so much in my life. Please advice. You dont have to support the dysfunctional relationship with the in-laws. Sometimes this is simply because a person values the love and support of the family members, and sometimes because they are people you can share memories and stories with. No its not broken anymore I wouldnt make the decision to fall in love with you if it still is. That is the most important element bar none. A long time ago I walked into the room of this elderly lady with I presumed her husband sitting beside her. When is it appropriate to say this? Talk with him again. Maybe this relationship moved to fast and is not for you. It isnt. So the yo yo effect continued. I feel so hurt and really bad for feeling this way. Try not to take anything to do with the younger girl personally. I expect you be honest with me at all time as I do to for you. Nothing can be fixed or changed now and focusing on now and your future is a better way to spend time. i thought is was super sad i had to write this out, but i did anywhy, thats what you do when you love someone, I felt in my her all I was asking for was to be treat like I was important Like I was first in someones life. I tell the same thing to everyone who comes here and asks for advice. He nursed his wife for a long time and now wants some fun, see what is out there play the field a little I guess. I have a little different situation as I am the widow-not the the man I am dating. Research supports that those of us who are socially connected are healthier, have fewer stress-related problems, and recover from trauma and illness faster. Only I am a widow also. Think. She is ready for all typical difficulties. In my opinion that is where you need to begin. I stayed with him because hes the most decent and kindest man Ive ever met, stimulating intellectually, and an amazing father. You can set a limit as to how much time you spend together and how long you are willing to let him play the I need space card. Hes doomed, she is a real first class beauty, and charmer when she wishes to be one. Then our long friendship/courtship proceeded and when are relation The loss of a loved one through death can have many long-lasting effects on someone's life, and their eating habits are no exception. It was a disaster.. we sent out the invitations and said please be at the hotel at 4:00 pm. Be true and honest. The deceased could have been a Narcissist himself, predisposed if he was the Golden Child of the warped grandparents. It seems though that the real issues might not be his feelings about his late wife (which are normal and perhaps he doesnt realize that) but his fears that he is going to die young and his hesitancy to marry because he feels his time is short (he might be worried about widowing you). should be put in a very nice spot and kept forever. He is controlling beyond belief. Ha! I didnt tell him what to do or give him a time stamp .I let him decide what he wanted to do with what I told him and he felt bad that I was feeling like that. It wouldnt be fair not to me and most definitely, not to you. Or would you feel youve wasted time? As I said before, this isnt a reflection on you or him. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. In the past 3 weeks, his depression has gotten so really bad, we used to sext talk all time, deep conversations, and when I am with him, he seems to really like my company. I have never complained about this at all to him, I have tried being supportive. Most of all Im scared of what will come out of that chat. The death of a spouse is one of the top stresses a person can experience next to finding a job and moving, according to Widow's Hope, a resource organization for widows. to see him once a week is so hard because he doesnt know what hes going to say where he is.its so sad that he just cant stand up to them. Like the house was built for, and was for HER, and no other. Its perfectly okay to tell him that this isnt working for you and explain your hopes, dreams, needs and wants. Most widowed think about and actually do date within the first year. In the meantime, remember that it has nothing really to do with you. After months of listening to him endlessly extol someone who is not you, it's tough to sustain the nurturing spirit that's said to be part of a woman's DNA. When you accept that your new partner will be different from your spouse, you will find that youre more open to dating new people. He doesnt have a very close relationship with his own family and never talked to his friends about his problems, but he told me about some things about his marriage. One last thing. He went through so much to bring up those two girls alone. Fast fowarding..I left that job we lost touch and 3 years late I find him on the internet. As your relationship grows, accepting that another woman will always be in his memories can be difficult. She is transparent as glass to me. I love him and would love to have a future with him, I sometimes just dont see that happening, i feel like I will never live up to his LW, because from what he says she was perfect. If your guy isnt effusive with you, he probably wasnt with his late wife either. That poor old man supporting the rotten old N woman for 38 years. Youve talked with him? If every waking moment is spent on keeping the dead alive than maybe you shouldnt date just a though from the shmuck in the corner, Ps. Cut no man (or woman) slack because they've been widowed. How much do you know about dating after 50? EVERYTHING in his house was frozen in time. You were learning about the whole relationship boy/girl exchange, but as an adult woman, the only thing you are ever going to get from it is a big fat bruised ego. People who are happy are true to themselves and dont offer up their lives as sacrifice or hostage in hopes of some distance reward. If you throw the widow card a lot, you might not be ready. . Wow, that man and family was fortunate that you wised up and got out of that relationship. You said Shelly was like a different person when she spent last Xmas with them. I have some ideas for when the time comes on that topic. I now see intentionally to get me out of her way,so she could walk all over her father unchecked. We constanly do chat, video call, text everyday as in everyday for 2 months. To all the men who have put the pictures away I feel that if we are talking marriage, it should come down now.

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